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Madness within and without.

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Aug. 17th, 2007 @ 09:20 pm
Well. It's been eight months today since my last post. Not much has changed, to be truthful. What's the same?

I still work at the bank.
I still have my own car.
I still enjoy dancing games.
I still think coffee tastes better white.
I still hate waking up in the morning.
I still wake up every morning anyway.
I still spend way too much time on the computer.
I still learn new things about programming every day.
I still wish I didn't have to deal with my mom.
I still severely lack self-control.
I still play some video games that I don't think I should.
I still believe I'm overweight.
I still mess up, I still self-loathe, I still get over it.
I still put faith in Matthew 6:33.

As you can see, most things in my life have remained stasis. So then, you ask, what has changed?

I've lost ten pounds since last month (vegan).
I've lost an organ.
I've lost touch with reality from time to time.
I've lost friends.
I've lost the notion that suffering is the enemy.
I've lost the belief that satisfying myself is most important.

And all of this, for what?

I sometimes forget my past.
I sometimes have peace of mind.
I sometimes appreciate what I have.

I always have a hope for the future.

Is it worth it? Yes. Ask me why.
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful

Dec. 17th, 2006 @ 09:20 pm
I was going to write an entry about why I'm unacceptable. Why what I'm doing is unacceptable. Why nothing I can do is good enough. Good enough for myself, good enough for my friends, good enough for my conscience, good enough for God. I was going to write about all the reasons that I should feel constant shame, why I should dread being around certain people who might judge me, why it was a good thing.

I was going to write about why I realized I shouldn't, but the fact is I've realized nothing. I can't bring myself to write it, and maybe it's because it just hits too close to home.

Oct. 30th, 2006 @ 03:09 am
So there I was.. minding my own business, driving home from AG at 2:30 in the morning, going 15 mph in excess of the speed limit, when it catches my eye: a deer, in the middle of my lane.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking: "Oh my god! I hope it didn't mess up his hair!" But let's go one step back. I haven't hit it yet.

So again, there I was. The buck is 3 seconds ahead of me, and I jam on the brakes. The horn makes its meager sounds as I approach the deer, still going too fast. You can see the terror and utter stupidity in its eyes as it knows it's about to be in a world of pain... except, that it has its ass to me.

I hit it, full-on (15 mph at the most, really), before it realizes there's A CAR THAT NEEDS THE ROAD MORE THAN IT DOES. As it lazily hops away, I realize that I've succeeded. I've knee-capped one more dumbassed deer that this world didn't need in the first place.

My hair is fine, by the way. So is the car, though I'm relatively sure the deer pissed itself (and by nature, my car as well) in fear.

Oct. 20th, 2006 @ 07:43 am
Cross-posted to Adventure Games

In less than 15 minutes my computer will have been running for over 32 days straight. A five year-old computer, with a 1.3ghz P4 processor, a 32mb nVidia video card, and 384 RAMBUS RAM (only because I added 256). It has survived through Windows Media Player, Stepmania, various videos, dozens of websites, insanely large html pages (thanks thottbot.com) and the like.

I'm proud of my computer for probably the first time since it's become sorely outdated. They don't make them like they used to, eh? ;)

Oct. 10th, 2006 @ 11:14 pm
I just went halves on a new washing machine... why does it feel like I'm married?

In other news, crazy bitch now wants to stay at my job. Mixed feelings. By mixed I mean rage mixed with frustration at her enormous crazy level. It's like a DBZ power level, but crazier. She's on par with like, Frieza.

In other other news, WoW has completely sucked me in. Level 32 Human Priest (Shadow) on Burning Blade. I never thought I'd know what it meant to 'grind worgen.' I'm kind of sad that I do.. Le sigh, indeed.

And finally.. I'm looking into getting dual-numberpad training so that I can utterly destroy the keying speeds at work. Yeah, I'm that gay. Let's tell you something you didn't know. Ha.

So long saps (only works on humanoids).
Other entries
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Good reasons to post on LiveJournal:

Start of a good relationship :)
End of a bad relationship >:o
End of a good relationship :'(
Parent trouble @_@
Health problems x_x
Mental health problems >_O
Good internet finds $_$
Hot new games O_O
Stupid bitch you work with finding a new job and giving her two weeks notice :DDDDDDD

Guess what the reason for this post is. ;)
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I'm just so pissed off right now.

Whenever I think about doing anything else towards my schoolwork it just enrages me. I can't sit still, I can't focus, and I'm completely incapable of being a charitable, patient, empathetic person. I turn into a frustrated, loudmouthed, angry asshole.

I'm being raped of this weekend the same as last. I miss my friends.. you know who you are.
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Read more...Collapse )

No one wants to read this crap.
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My mother will never love me because she can't see past the fact that I'm not my father.

I don't feel the need to sit at the dinner table after finishing my second helping, waiting for her to get off the phone like I've asked her politely to twice.

I don't offer to help around the house because she never asks for help in a normal way, it's always "you should do this because A) I'm incapable of doing so because of my sickness of the week, B) you never do a goddamned thing around here, C) I'm your mother not your slave!"

I don't come home at reasonable hours because doing so would just mean more face time which would inevitably result in more confrontation.

I'm so sick of this... I just want to keep crying until it stops.
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I'm a failure..

But at least I can fix stuff at work.

Still vegan.. for like, 3 more days.. or something.
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